BAAAD



2002-11-15 - 4:02 p.m.



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A pound a day - 2006-04-08
Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05
Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27
The debate - 2004-10-27
To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26





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Damn! Damn! Damn!!! I messed up! I have been purging a LOT lately, and on small amounts of food so my weight has been up and down between 136 and 138 all week. So today I FINALLY get below 136 and I go on a BAAAD binge. I ate a lot, not like I used to, but so much that I couldn't even stand up strait! I ate half of a large bag of cheetos, a pack of Twinkies, a king sized Caramello, Butterfinger and Symphony bar! That's about 2000 cals! I purged and purged until my head was pounding. God I hope it all came up! Either way, I am not eating for the rest of the day. I feel light headed and dizzy now and I am having cravings to finish the bag of cheetos so I hope that means I got most of it. I purged for so long, I even puked up the peanut butter I ate this morning. Here is the grossest part though, 4 hours later that damn glob of peanut butter came up looking JUST like it did going in! It didn't even break down or get watery! Sick I know but I was amazed to see it come out unchanged. I wonder what that means.... I fucking hate bulimia!!! I HATE it! I wish I could just starve myself! I ate 2 tablespoons of peanut butter and managed to stop myself before I consumed the whole jar but I thought about eating more until my stupid bulimic mind took over and I went nuts! Next thing I know my stomach is about to bust, I am struggling to gobble down a symphony bar and there are wrappers all around me. Well, in actuality I do remember going to the store and buying the stuff but its like I am not thinking clearly until suddenly my stomach hurts and the horror of what I have done has sunk in.... I am going to break it down in smaller chunks of time and see if that helps. I will not eat for the rest of the day. Not one bite!!!!!

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