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I have just had one of the most monumentally terrible experiences of my life. OMG! It hurts so much! Trying to type while crying..... My father.... I wasn't supposed to call him. We, R (my therapist), and I agreed that it wasn't a good idea... But I couldn't help it... I've never not done what he wants! I didn't answer the phone when he called 15 times on the 4th of July... I cried, it hurt so bad to not answer the phone.... I knew he was drunk... But I wanted to put it behind us. I called him and said that I wanted to make amends with him for the last conversation we had had. He played such a cruel trick!!!! OMG!!! It hurts so much!!! He pretended not to remember! It was just like 10 days ago! I thought maybe he was blacked out but he wasn't. He wasn't. He had to bring it up, he had to lash me again and again with it! But I stood up to him this time. I know I should feel proud but I just feel.... I feel... terror. I had to realize the man behind the father... What I really am/was dealing with growing up. All my worst nightmares were true. He threw me away, he threw us all away, but not just that, he toyed with us, like a cat with a mouse, then left us for dead..... emotionally. The things he said... all I wanted to hear was he was sorry, and that he loved me and it was ok to not be perfect... He chose himself, told me that all my problems, even when I was 11 were my own... He threw me away... OMG, the truth hurts! Like a sharp slice. But a mercifully clean, deep, and quick one. But permanent just the same. I can't bring him with me into my future... I never wanted to believe he hated me so much, that he REALLY meant to hurt me. But the truth is he did and still does. I'm so sad. I'm not going to crawl back, I refuse to recant my own needs, my own rights as a human to be valuable, to have my own thoughts and dreams and to know myself... But I lost a Dad tonight. No. I lost him long ago, maybe I never really had a Dad. No. Actually I didn't. This is good pain. There will be a scar but scars fade eventually and they are tougher then the tender skin that I have allowed my father to rip to shreds for the last 29 years. It just hurts so much. so much. Come on Klonopin, kick in....