index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

This is going to be a different story about eating disorders then you read most of the time. I'm not young and right now, I am not particularly thin. But I am eating disordered. Oh yes. And I think my life is coming close to its end. Not a suicide post, I wouldn't do that. This is just my sad, pathetic way of trying to help. I don't look sick to anyone, in fact, if you saw me, you would probably think I was just a "slightly plump" mother of 4. Yah, that's right I have KIDS! And three of them girls even! I have been suffering ( yes, suffering, whoever thinks this is a lifestyle has SO f'ing much to learn!) for HALF of my life. Not reveling, not enjoying, SUFFERING. *S*U*F*F*E*R*I*N*G*. I have been thin by medical standards, I have been FAT by medical standards. But I always see the same person. Fat. Worthless. A waste of life. Do you want to be old and like this!? I am 28 years old. TOO old for this!!!! You might be browsing the web and just fell upon this website by chance, or maybe you have been suffering without realizing it (like I did) for a while. Either way, get help. NOW! Please. Please!!!??? I know there are a lot of hypocritical posts, and a lot of "warnings" but I dare to bet that mine is the most common situation. Be dangerously thin for a while, "recover" by force, go the other way, learn how to be bulimic, then go back to being thin. Start that cycle ALL over again. You know what that gets you? MISERY! I wish there had been someone to SLAP me, to send me somewhere to get help long before I was an adult and responsible for others. But that was before the age of information. I'm stuck in this miserable cycle... forever most likely. I have given up on recovery. I think I will rotate between just a little too thin and normal forever seeing the amazing fat lady from the circus of years gone by. What does it get you? Depression. Wishes for death. Loneliness, unemployment. Lost teeth. And guess what? Education doesn't help. I am a f'ing NURSE! I have a degree in a health related field and I am still sick. I wish for death on a daily basis. And I pray that someone can do right by my sweet children in the way that I have failed. Some with eating disorders recover, some die young, but most...... most are like me... looking "normal" but being the most tortured of all..... not able to do anything but wait for death to come. Don't come down this road. Please. PLEASE. The only guarantee is sadness and disappointment.....