index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

ED-NOS. Fucking yay. Thats JUST what I needed. Ok, so I havn't told the whole story... I started seeing a counselor because after my fathers visit (did I tell you about that?) I just crashed emotionally. I ended up calling a suicide hotline even! So I start seeing this counselor and I ball my eyes out and spill my fucking guts! SICK!!! Anyway, I beg him not to make a big deal out of my eating habits because they really aren't that bad and I'm NOT anywhere near being too thin... blah, blah, blah... All he said at that first apointment was that I wasn't anywhere near being fat either. We both ended it there. Fine. Good. Well, after I left, I started to get nervous. I mean, it seemed like it was going to fly by with little notice while I was in his office, I mean, he was more interested in my past then what I did currently... But afterwards I started thinking and it would probably be malpractice or whatever shrinks call it when they don't do their jobs right? He can't just IGNORE it! So I go back for another visit, can you believe despite my fears I actually was looking FORWARD to it!? I don't understand that. Its my fucking mind and I don't even uderstand it! How can anyone else begin to sort it out if *I* can't even do so about something simple as why I feel a certain way!? Anyway, at my second visit I tried to conversationally mention the eating issue again just in general to make sure he hasn't changed his mind. This second meeting was for him to present a plan to me by the way. He told me about the plan, and after we talked about it for a minute, thats when I mentioned the eating stuff. He gives me some line about understanding (um yah, sure.) and that we will just work on the past for now. OK. I was happy because my dearest bad habit is safe (for now) but some of me was sad because anyone who can brush this off as something that can wait DOESN'T understand... Oh hell, what do I know, I'm probably being unfair... I'm crazy you know, despite what HE says (swears that I am not - that I just had a bad life). At the end he gives me two diagnosis. One he mentioned at the first visit so it wasn't a surprise, PTSD related to my life. I expected that one and thought that was it, I mean after all he said I wasn't crazy right? What else is there? Then he adds on eating disorder not otherwise specified. Great. What a wonderful thing. Honestly, I'd rather be nothing then that. I feel like an eating disorder failure. I no longer fit into the diagnosis of Anorexic, I was never diagnosed with Bulimia... I fit into that category of crazies that are fucked up about food but not even good enough to fit into a category. Even as I typed that last bit I knew it sounded crazy, but for some reason its how I feel. Sigh... I'd like to think I could get better in all ways that I am messed up... most of the time at least... I'm just scared he will make me happy with this body.