index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

Its in 10 days, I have been stuck at 137 for weeks, I have to do something. I broke my 8 + months of recovery, in a matter of 10 minutes or less yesterday. I found some sugar (have kept all trigger foods out of the house all this year) at my old favorite b/p time, mixed up some gooey crap, stuffed it down my neck, stuck my fingers down my throat and puked. Even with no water to drink I was able to refill bowl 3/4 of what it was beforehand. It was a good, well enjoyed purge... God it felt good... But I am in shock. I thought I was done with this forever, a couple of triggers slipped in and I fell right back in my hole! What's strange is I feel no remorse and no desire to do it again. Well.... maybe a little of both. But only a little. But I am back to day ONE!!!! Anyway, I have been moderately restricting (about 700-1000 cals a day with a few binge days) for the last few weeks and I haven't gained... but I haven't lost either. I am doing what "normal" people do to loose weight and its not happening. I am ok if I can stay in my house... but the Fairie Affair is in 10 days. I want to go. My friends EXPECT me to go! But there is NO way I am able to unless I lose 10lbs. Yes, the dress I want to wear fits right now, but it looks HORRIBLE!!! It has straps (no sleaves!), comes just to my knees and is WHITE!!!! I look like a big white cow in it!!! I will still be huge minus 10lbs but maybe I can go at least.... I said I would never do this, because I feel it goes against better judgement and karma, but I am going to do a spell for it. I'm planning all the correspondances right now. I've never had a spell backfire... yet. I'm not trying to sound conceited, as I have always been extremely conservative in my use of magick.... So in some ways, my years of success scare me in regards to the karma thing. I know in my head I am at a "normal", even low weight for my height so I have always refrained from doing magick for weight loss in any way....but I am NOT going to go back to being bulimic. I MUST lose weight. So today, I start a 10 day spell.... a pound a day... By the 14th of August I want to be 127. I just hope the backlash isn't too bad...