index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

Didn't get on the scale today. Not that I didn't want to, but I forgot. I was SO thirsty this morning I woke up and guzzled a great big glass of diet pepsi so now the scale wont tell me the truth... sigh... Perhaps it's better that way anyway. My husband and I have had a couple of really great talks the past two nights. He's really learning a lot right now... And me as well. I know these stages in life are necessary, especially for people like us, my husband and I, but I wish we could get to the joy part of things... What I mean by people like my husband and I is that we both had REALLY screwed up family lives as kids and now we are trying to make a better life for our kids and ourselves.... But its not as easy as it sounds... This is what its like for me. When the whole thing with my father happened (its a long story but basically I stopped letting him abuse me confronted him, and he now wants nothing to do with me) it had a chain reaction. The very foundation of what I had built my reality on, my values, my self worth, my reason for being etc... crumbled away. And it was good. It was sick. I have spent the better part of the last 30 years trying to gain approval and love from a man that will never give it. So this brittle sick stone crumbles out from under my feet and now my reality, the foundation of my exhistance, has holes in it. How I relate to people, men in particular, why I do what I do, how I see myself and react to others, everything looks different and scary. All that is left of my reality is the skeleton and a few sections that were built over the years that didn't have to do with my father.... Those holes are scary. I don't want to fall. So I stand on the bare beams of my world. Looking and not doing. Unsure HOW to go about living in some ways because theres nothing there to support me.... yet. I know it will fill in and it wont be stone, it will be something more flexible, more able to change and adapt, stronger.... It just isn't something that can be rushed. So I stand here, lonely, scared... just waiting. An example of that lack of direction is how to reach out to my husband now. This is how it used to go: D would sulk/ignore me/stomp around/insult me etc so I would chase him around feeling confused and like shit trying to find out what I did, trying to sooth him. Finally he breaks down and tells me all the things I did wrong/can't do right/failed at/fucked up and I take it and realize what a terrible person I am, but he then is nicer to me and I feel some love. Well, I stopped chaseing him around. I have stopped (for the most part) prostrating myself before him for his abuse. I wont take his negativity into myself to make him feel happy. I am NOT responsible for making him happy. He is. And I am NOT the root of all evil in our life. But now, I stand here on my little wooden beam, unsure how to reach out in a healthy way.... I know it will come to me... It will develop... Part of it is he has had the same thing happen to him. His reality was based on how I let him treat me, now his has crumbled away as well and he is standing on his own wooden foundation unsure how to connect with me as well. Its a lonely and scary feeling. I love him. I have spent 1/3 of my life with him. He isn't a bad guy. We just are in one of those wonderful/horrible spots where we have the opportunity to grow. But growing hurts. I hope we make it.