Hook, Line and Sinker



2002-12-07 - 10:45 a.m.



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Last night, laying in bed, I think I admitted for the first time in my life that this has me hook, line and sinker. I know in my head that I have been eating disordered for at LEAST 13 years, probably longer but my heart doesn't accept it. I tell myself I can stop. Well, my husband wants us to go to a company dinner and I am dreading it. He ordered me a salmon dinner and I LOVE salmon!! I was laying in bed trying to psych myself into eating it, and enyjoying it. I want to look healthy and happy in front of his co-workers not weird because I won't eat GOOD, FREE food!!!! I mean what the hell is wrong with me!?!?! Thats when I really admitted to myself that I am sick. I have known about this function for a week and I didn't try to get a babysitter. Not because I don't want to go, I would love to, but most celebrations center around food! Something I try very hard to avoid!

I have had periods of semi-recovery. Or at least I was not quite so bad off. I could at least make myself put the food into my mouth even though I felt terrible about it. This relaps is bad. Probably my worst since I first started really restricting as a young teenager.

I also realized last night - or actually I accepted, I knew it all along - that even during my periods of semi-recovery, I was still tortured. It doesn't matter if I can eat the food, it doesn't matter what I weigh... I am still ruled by food! I have been all over the spectrum of eating disorders from anorexia to bulimia, to compulsive over eating while I was pregnant and there is one reacurring theme. I am fat, I am disgusting, I am not worthy, and food is my master. So, I don't BELIEVE that there is a such thing as recovery. I will NEVER be able to just eat and enjoy food without it being about something else besides eating.

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