index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

Fat. fat. fat. Thats you Heather. You were thin. You didn't know it but you were. And you let it go. all the way up from 104. Your bones showed. They showed so much that people stared at you, they saw what you could do. So what if Donny thought you were gross, so what if you had no boobs, so what if he said sex was painfull for him because of your bones. So what!!! You HAD IT! You were thin! And you let the damn shrink and Donny and Kimmy talk you down. Or up rather. You started to eat a little and the scale slowly went up. Everyone was giving you pats on the back and kept saying that you would feel better once you got to a normal weight, that your aprehension and distaste for the fatness you were gaining was caused by being too thin. Well here you are, fat as a cow! Gross as you can be and you DON'T feel better do you? You feel worse. You feel like hurting yourself for believing them and letting the pounds come back. Well never again. Just to 120 and then we will stop. You will never be happy but at least you don't have to feel like you are not worthy of life. At 120 you will feel like you matter again. That you are desireable again. That people can look at you and say wow, she has something I want. Otherwise, your just a plain, fat, old woman with nothing to look forward to except getting older. And fatter. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will NOT break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. I will not break the plan. Not for anything. NOTHING! Not hunger, not pain, not Donny, not my coworkers, not for that fat pig in my head that tells me that "its ok, just eat a little bit, no one will know..." Not for anything or anyone. I will not fail this time. I WILL be 120 before the year changes. I will maintain no higher then that. I will get there as fast as I can. I can't wait. I hate retracing my steps. I hate looking in the mirror and feeling like crying. I hate avoiding the mirror. I hate seeing the bulges of my body through my clothes. I hate seeing my clothes in my closet and not having anything to wear. I hate being fat. I don't care what the cost is, I am going to loose weight and never, EVER go over 120 again!!! Until then, I am worthless, I don't matter, I don't exhist in the world of the successfull. My opinions don't count, my competance is in question, I am a failure at life until I get to 120.