index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

And I can't. I just can't do it. This relapse of Anorexia/Bulimia has lasted for almost 2 years now and I just can't do it. I tried to recover because my husband said to "just eat and feel bad." So I tried mostly for him. Plus my hair is falling out in clumps even though I am still a HUGE fat cow and it didn't even fall out when I was 95lbs... Anyway, leaving food in my stomach hurts. It physically makes me feel ill and my heart goes nuts beating away like a crazy irratic thing and I gained more weight then I care to disclose right now. However, I was still going to try to deal with it until I saw the pictures of myself. We did family photos in the park the weekend after thanksgiving and OH MY GOD!!!! I look like a freaking HOUSE! I am SO huge! There is NO way I can stop losing right now! I have to at least get down to normal weight first! Yah, so I am technically on the low end of normal right now but I swear to god, anorexia aside, I am HUGE! I LOOK fat despite being a supposedly "normal" number. So that is my miserable attempt at recovery. I will just have to buy a wig to cover the bald head I will soon have... sigh...