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I had a strange experience last night. It's probably because I was tired but it was still strange. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie, my husband was asleep on the other couch. I was daydreaming about food for about an hour when I decide that I am going to eat... And that chips sound really good. And only about a quarter of me is scared and screaming not to do it. I knew that I would be hating myself afterwards but if I could even eat for a few minutes like a normal person I was going to do it. So I get in my car and run to the Texaco. I get there and its packed full of people. Strange for 11:30 at night in my town. So I go in, pick up a bag of tortilla chips and a jar of dipping cheese. As soon as I picked it up though I panicked and I knew that I wasn't going to eat any of it. But the gas station is full and it looks weird to pick stuff up and put it back so I just keep it. I go over to the dairy case to pick up some milk for my kids tomorrow and I see the 1oz blocks of cheese. They had mozzarella and that's ok, 80 cals, no carbs, I wouldn't break my ketosis if I ate that so I grab one and get in line. So I am standing there waiting my turn and sort of surveying the store and people and I see the line of people in the glass... I see the reflection of the thinnest girl in there (I am always surveying other women's weight, large and small and comparing myself, I am especially drawn to the thin ones though)... The next part takes longer to describe then it took to happen. Anyway, I check her out in the glass and I see a pale, thin girl with dark circles under her eyes in gigantic baggy sweats and a HUGE sweatshirt. It took me about 1/2 a second to notice these things and then recognize her. She was me. "I" was the thinnest girl in there. I was slightly shocked by my initial thoughts because as soon as I realized it was ME the image in the glass looked a lot bigger. How I could think that image was thin or large is beyond me, the cloths I am wearing are 4 or 5 sizes too big! Anyway, I look at the other women in the store... Three heavy girls buying 4-5 candy bars and a gigantic soda each. They were looking strait ahead, not talking, looking rather uncomfortable. Then two medium sized girls, overdressed or underdressed actually (the cloths they were wearing were dressy and provocative. If they were at a fancy restaurant they would have looked fine, but in the Texaco in a small town with one dive bar called the Red Eye, they looked like they were looking for action) buying beer. They were looking around, chatting, smiling and making eyes at the various groups of young men standing in the store that were checking them out. Then me. I then lost whatever was allowing me to eat the cheese too! I was terrified to be like those heavy girls, who just wanted to get the hell out of there with their candy. So now I am home, drinking a diet coke instead. My cheese is in the fridge... Maybe tomorrow. The chips will get eaten by my kids and hubby so its not a waste really. Right now, 90% of me is relieved that I lost whatever part of me was saying it was ok to eat. But 10% of me is mad. I just wanted to munch like a normal fucking person. I wanted to eat some salty chips loaded with cheese and veg in front of the TV with no guilt. But no, I will go to bed with a growling stomach again. I don't know what the hell exactly happened in the Texaco, or why I noticed everything in the weird play by play manner that I did but it was sort of an "ah, ha" moment for me. This shit is getting worse. I don't have IT anymore, its got me.