index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

If there were 2 things I would swear by for ANYONE is exercise and meditation. Seriously, I think sometimes that those two things do me more good then my therapy.... Not that the therapy isn't going well, it is... Hmmm... been a long time since I talked about my therapy.... guess I'll kill some time and let you all in on the boringness of my life! LOL! My therapy team threatened to dump me for "non-compliance" with treatment, I don't know how that's supposed to help me but anyway.... So I started seeing an ED therapist on top of my shrink and therapist and put on the pounds they wanted. Heck! I even started to really try to get better! I kept waiting and waiting for the desire to gain weight and look what they call "healthy" (read as FAT) to sink in... but it didn't. I wouldn't have jumped off the wagon except I fell off. But I digress, I already talked about that. Anyway, I see R for PTSD and we are getting down to some of the real nitty gritty. He could care less about my ED (not completely true, but its not his focus) and that's just FINE with me. Its so funny, when I started therapy with him a little over a year ago, I was MAD that he didn't focus on my ED... Now I'd rather keep it to myself... How things change... Sorry again! My mind wanders like my mothers third personality lost in the psychiatric ward.... Anyway, we are focusing right now on my need to live up to my fathers impossible standards. Its hard work but each session seems to help. I really like R, he is so honest with me. I could give two shits about my shrink. She's a dime a dozen and is always trying to put me on the scale ( grrrr) but they come as a package deal so..... So that's how things are going on the treatment of the PTSD with my therapist. My shrink handles my medications and my OCD. I told her that I am not satisfied with the results of the Prozac. I'm on the max dose and have been stable for a long time. So she added in a small dose of an antipsychotic, Risperdal. It sounds vaguely familiar probably from my pharmaco class when I was in nursing school but I don't really know anything about it. I know... bad, bad for a nurse! There are so many changes and adding and taking away, it gets old though you know? We have been working on weaning off the Klonopin. I'm down to 2mg a night. It's taken MONTHS to go from 3mg to 2 mg! Even 1/2 a mg less a day and I can feel it. I'm physically dependant on it for anyone reading this that doesn't know me well... I tried to go off it.... about 6 months (?) ago and ended up in the ER with seizures. Yah. Great stuff! Well, since we are adding a med, the Risperdal we have to wait to lower the Klonopin. Poop. I hate that stuff. Not that it does anything to me, I can't feel it. Unless I go off it, I just don't like my body being dependant on it. I also don't have to take the Terazadone anymore because the Risperdal will make me sleepy, so that's one less medication... Well, its the same amount actually since its replacing the Terazadone. They, the therapists, think I am going to an ED support group. One of the conditions of them continuing to work with me is that I have some other form of therapy that focuses on my ED. I don't feel like seeing ANOTHER therapist each week, I mean Jesus! I don't have the time! And this was one of the choices so I took it. I'm not going though. They don't even talk about eating disorders... They talk about other crap like how to know when you are angry or not. No thanks. But anyway.... LOL! In all my rambling if you got this far I'm amazed, if you jumped here, good for you, this is all that probably matters anyway. I am happy on the therapy front right now. I just wish the shrink would lay off the ED shit a little more. Why can't I be allowed to get healthy in every way EXCEPT my ED? That's my newest pondering.... Why I must give up my ED to get healthy.... I've given up a lot of my sick thinking/behaviors already and will give up every last one of the rest of them GLADLY... I just don't want them to take this. I'm getting confusing now, fingers are bypassing the filter zone, we have a direct connect from brain to finger tips... Its bound to get messy so I'll end here. I'll post more when things make a bit more sense.