index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

I can't believe he's spying on me again or still maybe.... I'm surprised at how well both of us are handling this new thing but then again, we've been through SO much, especially in the last year, I couldn't imagine this tearing us apart. I mean, my ED is not a secret, he and my shrink were conspiring to get me a bed IP in colorado just 6 months ago... When I got up yesterday morning I could tell something was wrong and I could hear the anger in his voice but even more the fear. Its hard to be mad at the person that has been your whole world for the last decade when you know he's just scared. It all stemmed from a couple events that caused him to come here and try to find out what I'm not telling him... That pizza binge for one... He found the box and asked me about it and I lied telling him that I bought it for the kids who told him otherwise. I know its bad but I didn't want him to know the bulimia is back. But we talked and I cried and afterwards he was really sweet and tender to me the rest of the day and this morning. I think he realizes that I'm not as strong as I put on and I guess thats a good thing because even if he can't understand what its like to be me, he can at least appreciate that what I'm going through is real. This morning he started my coffee for me and as I was pouring a cup he said very quietly to "eat something today." EEK! He means eat and keep it down too. And I wont eat but I also hate to disapoint him at the same time... What to do... Oh! There were two other reasons besides that he found the evidence of a b/p fest.... He thinks I am too tired all of the time (I can sleep for 24 hours after my 3 days of 12 hour night shifts) and he caught me taking 12 ex-strength X lax... Which by the way isn't working so well anymore but I refuse to go up in number because 12 is half a box, that means a box is good for two treatments. More would mean having to buy TWO boxes at a time and they are not cheap!!!! So I have added high doses of fiber pills and milk of magnesia to the laxie regimen... Seems to work ok. And its healthier then going up in the laxies. If I don't watch myself I can take around 100 in a weeks time.