index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

Strange how this eating disordered stuff goes. At least for me. Sometimes I yearn for the time in my life, my first bought with anorexia, that I was headed innocently down this path of starvation. When I didn't have a CLUE what I was doing to myself. When I really believed that I was just being healthy. Healthier then most people. Now, the eating disorders take turns. Bulimia, COE, Anorexia... Combos of bulimia/anorexia, bulimia/coe. A few days ago my first love, Anorexia, tightened her grip on me again. The scary thing is I think I let it happen. Ana makes me feel powerful. Important. In control. Sometimes. Last night I wanted to eat a graham cracker at work. I put that stupid little package of crackers in my pocket 3 times. And I put it back 3 times. It had 90 calories in it. Too, too, too too much. Then I don't feel powerful at all. I just feel sick. I am thrilled and terrified that my anorexia is back. Terrified because its strong. Real strong. Maybe even stronger then the first time. I am older now. My body might not be able to handle it this time. All the years of abuse might have left a mark that I can't see. More then just bald patches. More then scars on my knuckles and missing teeth. I am thrilled because, well, because of that voice. That voice that tells me I am no one unless I am thin, thinner, the thinnest. Welcome back Ana.