index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

I failed. I failed. I can't beleive I am such a big fat loser. I just called in sick to work. I wanted to do so well. I wanted to dazzle them. But my true colors came through. God I hate this!!! When will I be happy!? Why the fuck am I here on this earth!? WHY!?!?! I don't believe in god. I cannot believe that any knowing entity would give life to someone who was not going to be able to enjoy it. I am such a coward or I would kill myself now. 6 fucking weeks. I have only been there 6 WEEKS!!! This is exactly how everything in my life goes. I start out thinking "this will be different", "I'll be normal", "I'll devote myself and enjoy it"... whatever the new endever is. But I ALWAYS, ALWAYS fall short. I fail. Was I born fucked up or did my parents ruin me? ALl of us, my sister and my brothers and I, are losers. None of us are able to function in the world. Maybe its genes. My grandfather did shoot himself. He was a child molester too. My cousin Christopher is just like James, Christina, Deven and I. We all slack off. Maybe it was upbringing. My parents were not real good at teaching us gumption. No one made me do my homework or clean my room. Thats not really abuse though. And most parents are not perfect. There are some AMAZEING individuals that came from worse homes then I did so there is no excuse. I hate myself. I hate my life. I am sorry. I am apologize to my parents for being a disapointment. I apologize to my kids for being a TERRIBLE mother. I appologize to my husband for... for... I don't even know. I apologize for being me....