index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

Yesterday I made a T-shirt that says that on the front. I had to do something. It was better then all the alternatives I could think of. I had to hide it though. I'm supposed to be getting better. I was. In my own way, no scales, no mirrors, no sizes. Less binges, more and more normal eating patterns... I was slowly gaining weight. I was feeling happier too. I still had the thoughts in my head, I was dealing with them as well as I could one episode at a time. Funny that I was actually not seeing my shrink during this time? We were in contact by phone but my car was repod. and I didn't have a way to get in to see her. I had an appointment on the 25th though. I knew she was going to put me on the scale and that I would have to look. I have to. So I skipped it. For the first time I was feeling like I was actually getting some sort of handle on my eating... But its fragile in the beginning. I couldn't get on the scale. I was looking forward to my appointment with my therapist. I was finally feeling ready to deal with my PTSD... Then I got the letter. They, my therapist and psychiatrist, were not going to treat me anymore for non-compliance. But I still had the appointment with Ray (therapist). I went, begged to let me stay, showed him and told him how well I was doing, went home and got on the scale. Only 10lbs below their "goal" weight for me. I wasn't ok, but I thought I could handle it, I mean, I knew I was gaining. I had boobs again. But the number... seeing it... getting on the scale... As I mentioned my eating patterns were slowly getting more normal. I was eating more mealish and was starting to work on eating WITH my family... I should have never got on the scale. Over the past 2 weeks I've been trying to pretend I don't see it but my mealishness has been slipping back toward the binge/starve range of eating. Damn them. I just couldn't get on the scale! She was flipping out, insisting on tests, and threatening hospitalization. I wasn't that thin. I wasn't. I know that coming here probably isn't going to help me get back into recovery mode... But at least I can't blame it on RGP. I fell off the wagon weeks ago when my "therapy team" threw me away. I'm just back because I'm lonely. My husband asks me what's wrong, but I can't tell him. My SIL is totally not close to me. She came back from rehab and immediately put up a brick wall. Fine, I understand. I'm a lot to take, and she has her own issues. It still hurts. I'd go mad alone. So I came here. Not that I didn't miss you all, and wonder how you were, and feel terrible that I didn't say goodbye... I was just scared that if I even dared lurk here I would lose what tentative grasp on recovery that I had.... No worries though... That slipped out of my hands. So hi all. I'm back, I see RGP moved? boy do I have some catching up to do! I'm really torn, I now feel so ashamed that I let myself get so fat again! I'm almost in normal weight range! So please be kind as I am not ready to share the numbers that the scale spits out right now....