index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

I have been gone a long time. Here it is... the recent events that have lead me to where I am today. According to my doctors I got to a point that they refused to treat me if I didn't go IP, I consoled them with an ED therapist instead. I really was trying. I wasn't counting calories, coming here, getting on the scale (much) trying on clothes, in fact all I wore were my sweats that way I couldn't feel the weight come on as much. I really tried to be happy as breasts returned to my body and all the rest... blech! But I was miserable! My family was miserable, I can't function without control. I gained the weight they wanted. They are happy now. But I was so unhappy. I couldn't look in the mirror, I couldn't leave the house, I would even go days without taking a shower to avoid having to acknowledge that I had a body... it was so disgusting to me. *ashamed, nasty pig* Well, suddenly the scale says one thing and I have been nodding and saying what they want to hear and now they are happy. But what they don't know is I had a major panic attack last Monday (not weight related) and I had to get the pain out. I don't want to start throwing up again, or cutting/banging head, sticking loaded guns in my mouth or otherwise freaking out so I got on my treadmill (the one I was forbidden to use for now) and ran until I was aching all over. And I felt good. They don't know I am back to my ED behaviors and its funny but They are happy with me. Great job! Good progress... sigh... If They only knew that it wasn't because of "recovery" as they call it but the return of my ED that is helping me cope. I am sad. Really sad. I thought if I just faked it, and did what they wanted and tried to want what they said I should want then eventually I WOULD want it and be happy and recovered. Maybe I didn't give it long enough, I don't know... But what I do know is I feel better. I am still huge again, but you know, I am finding out the scale has less and less to do with it. Really. When I am in control I feel better... Don't get me wrong, the proof in my pudding is the numbers going down on the scale but the process is what keeps me sane.....