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I disgust myself. I gained weight. I am so heavy and gross. I have so much fat. I can't stand it. I can't wait to be thin. When that will be I don't know. I could just hit myself, I am so ashamed. I was 128!!! Thats not even thin. Now I'm 142.5. I am weak. I give in to the hunger. I wish I could just cut that damn nerve that sends hunger feelings to my brain. I want to be thin. I want people to admire my control. I want to look good. I hate my hunger feelings. I am scared of them. I am afraid if I start eating I won't stop. I can't stop this time. I wont. It will take a long time, but I will get there. I have to get out of the 140s again. I can't wait to be 139. But that wont make me happy. I want to be 130. I wont be happy until I get under 128 again. I want to be 127. I know I wont stop though. I want to be as thin as my sil. She is 5'3" and 96lbs. OMG! I drool at the thought of being that thin. I don't want to be 96lbs. I will have to be about 115 to be as thin as her. So I want to be 115. Thats not even low. But this weight is sick, its disgusting! I look gross, like a pig, a weak, pig that stuffs her face! I am a weak pig that stuffs her face! I will be thinner. I cannot wait to get under 140. I won't eat for the rest of the day. Nope. Nothing. I have had 1 cup of dry salad, 1 whole slice of a medium size cheese pizza and about 1/2 of another. All of that is about 400 calories. No more today. Too much. Maybe tomorrow I'll eat just watermellon. Anyone who has read this will think yah right. SHe is a fake, she is a sick, disgusting fake. I'm not a fake, I know I don't have an eating disorder despite what doctors might think. I am too fat to have an eating disorder and really, I don't want to have an eating disorder, I just want to be thin. I want people to admire my control over food. I want to look good, I don't want to be embarrassed of my disgusting HUGE body anymore. I can't stand it. I have to get under 140. I have to get back to 128 and get under it. I won't be happy until I am less then 128. Then I will be happy. Over 139 is the range I am not allowed to go out to fun things. 140 and up does not deserve fun and happiness. Its gross and weak. If I am over that I have had all the enjoyment I deserve by eating. If I want other types of joy I have to weigh under 140. Can't buy cloths until I am under 130. Those are the rules. The only rules. Less. I must be less. I WILL do this this time. No more gaining, no more stuffing my face. I will be thin. I want Kimmy to think I am thin. I know she would just DIE if she were as fat as me! She would hate it. I am supposed to go meet a girl from a forum I know. She is VERY thin. VERY, VERY thin. She will be embarrassed sit with me. People will see her with this fat pig. I have to get under 140 before I can see her. It will be soon. It will be good punishment to be in her presence. Good. I deserve it, I am so gross and fat. I am a failure at the one thing that I USED to be good at. Losing weight. I am going to be less soon.