index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

I was feeling really out of control last night. And I hate that. It happens after a few days of binging when I get on the scale and see what damage I have done. But today I am blissfully empty... My body is calling for food and that makes me feel good. I am controling it. It is getting smaller. Every ache for food that I ignore makes me more powerful. Or at least I feel that way. And I feel good. Excited. Excited because I have that feeling of determination that wipes out the power hunger has over my mind. I can ignore it indefinitely when I am like this. Perhaps that is when I am sickest... When the Anorexia takes over more brain then usual... But I am going back to work. And I am nervous. Excited, but nervous. And it will be good for my anorexia. I will be busy, moving, thinking, and NOT eating. Just that thought fills me with joy. Makes my day worth while. I can't wait until I start seeing some results. The scale went down 4 lbs from yesterday thankfully. Its a shamefull number. One I swore I would never see again but now that I am going back to work I will be able to maintain it. I always stay thinner when I am not sitting at home day after day. Yay! I'm going to do this. I say 30lbs in 30 days but I wont let myself get so sick physically that I cant function... what is that worth? But by thanksgiving for sure I am going to get to my magic number.... 111.... for sure.... I can't wait to see it again....