index yesterday tomorrow Most Recent Entries A pound a day - 2006-04-08 Back in black - well in fat anyway - 2006-04-05 Too stupid for my own good - 2004-10-27 The debate - 2004-10-27 To lie or not to lie, that is the question - 2004-10-26 leave me a note

My pitifull attempt to express my experience yesterday. But aside from its lack of flow it is emotionally acurate. For weeks now I have been binging like the world was ending any day now, wondering where my control had gone, watching the scale rise by the day... Trying to get some sort of control over myself... Then I gave up, accepted that my anorexia seemed to be cured even though an equally ugly (although really I think it is MORE ugly) monster had me, COE. A week ago I started following weight watchers and low and behold, I forgot to eat! And the hunger felt good again for the first time in a long time. And now I have no desire to eat. I will have to eat a little. Just enough to keep me functioning at work but that will be easy. I hate what the scale tells me and I will for a while so I am just not going to look for the rest of this month. Perhaps then I can get on without crying afterwards. So thats where I've been... sorry to disapear again... I've been working and eating and gaining at a jaw dropping rate. This may sound strange but to some extent I was pleasently comfortable with the disapearence of my anorexic abilities. I didn't like my new COE behavior but I was going for a nice middle ground. Weight watchers and 1200 calories a day. I did that for a week, lost 11lbs, and then just forgot to eat and instead of it hurting, I liked it. I guess I can't be normal. I can't do a "normal" diet. Its either one extreme or the other... And if I have to choose one extreme or another... well.....