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Damn, I was having a decent day!!! Why do I have to be so sensitive? I am too sensitive and I know I need to let this roll off my back but its already stabbed me. I'm glad my husband isn't here so I don't have to share it with him because he would notice my mood and he's never any help with this sort of stuff, in fact, he makes it worse. So if you all don't mind, I'm going to unload here... I get to the hospital for my review with the nurse educator and the floor director joins us. It made me a little nervous because I've worked for this hospital before and I don't recall the floor director being there when we go over the stupid skills testing that they make nurses do when they are first hired. Anyway, we go through my PBDS results... All good, right on target for my level (of course thats not what I like to hear, I want to hear "stellar performance Heather!" so I was feeling a little down on myself for not doing better at that point)... Then the floor director, darn I'm so frazzled I can't even remember her name right now... Oh! Jean! Jean says that there have been some concerns brought up by my preceptors. I started to really get nervous but was TRYING to hope for the best and that it was like one little thing or something... Anyway this is what she had, The fact that I take Klonopin and I "seemed to have a hard time adding up the numbers for my I/Os." I don't take my Klonopin before work, I wait until I come home in the morning even though it doesn't cloud my judgement and the only "trouble" I had was I forgot to bring down the first 2 shifts totals in for a full 24 hour total. And thats just getting used to the shift not that I was so tired that I couldn't add as the person who told Jean this was implying! Next was my use of free time. One night everything was in order, everyone seemed to be settled down and caught up, I'd asked all the nurses around me if they needed help and got Nos so I pulled out a book. Well the same nurse that made the above "concern" (read as: complaint) told Jean that call lights were going off and I didn't answer them. HELL - freaking - O!!!! The lights were all the way on the other side of the floor and this is a HUGE floor with a lot of twists and turns, I still get lost sometimes even, I DIDN'T KNOW that the nurse all the way on the other end of the floor needed help (and in fact, it wasn't even the "other end" the floor is a E shape sort of and I couldn't hear or see her at all) and she said something to me. I IMEDIATELY got up and went to help her and after I got done I went back to the middle man nurse and explained to her the situation and told her to ask me for help any time.... Goodness knows I had asked HER if she needed help that night and she always said no! So I thought we were good on that respect. The next thing was that on my VERY first day I did a dressing change. That nurse told Jean that I couldn't get the stuff for the dressing together. IT WAS MY FIRST FUCKING DAY!!!!! I didn't know where the shit WAS!!! As I've mentioned this is a HUGE floor with a complicated floor plan. And this same nurse told Jean that I told the patient that I'd never done a dressing change before. Wich is BULL SHIT for two reasons, one I HAVE done plenty of dressing changes, second, I wouldn't tell a patient that even if I HADN'T done one before... Its like one of the cardinal rules of nursing! There is only one thing that could have been misconstrued in that situation and that is that the non-sanitary cover over the dressing was new with ties on it and the nurse was showing it to me and I told her, "Oh! thats nice! You don't have to use a whole bunch of tape, I've never seen one of those before." But I find it hard to believe that she got that confused. Basically I just got bit in the ass by some bitches. I really hate people like that. I really do. I have been trying so hard and I thought things were going good but apparently not. *cries* Or no, they said I was doing great they just want me to have a good experience and make sure everything is ok with me, at least thats what they said but should I trust them? If they are telling the truth why do I feel like crying for real and quiting and jumping in my bed and going to sleep for about 20 years? Is it because I expect nothing but perfection from myself? Probably. Then that leads me to why do I have to be so damn sensitive? Why does this sort of shit hurt so much? Does it hurt everyone as much as it hurts me? To not be perfect? Whats even worse is now I have to face these people knowing they think I am incompetant and that they are back stabbing bitches and act like nothing is wrong. Sugar and spice and everything nice. No revenge, not that I can think of any that wont seriously come back to take an even bigger bite out of my proverbial ass in the long run. I'm just so sad feeling right now... Like a failure. At least I haven't eaten in almost 4 days. Thank God or my sanity would be out the window... I can loose weight. I can make the scale go down. I can feel empty and know its because I choose for my body to be so.... Thank God for my eating disorder because I couldn't handle life any other way. And FUCK recovery. Just Fuck it strait to hell. __________________